Mistranslated Glossary of Rodeo Lexicon
Added Money
Budget Deficit = Net Savings + Trade Deficit − Investment
Aggregate
net result of knowing and applying all defined terms. Not to be confused with composite
materials or news tickers.
Arm Jerker
to marketing and promotion what Les Parapluies de
Cherbourg is to handkerchiefs.
Association Saddle
1.1 The principal Sitter shall be as set forth in the Articles of Organization. These
By-Laws, the powers in all matters concerning conduct and regulation, the duration and
quality of the Sitting and any damage that might therewith ensue shall be subject to such
provisions in regard thereto, if any, as are set forth in the Articles of Organization as
from time to time in effect.
2.1 The members of the Association in Competition are its Adhering Bodies.
2.2 Only under extraordinary circumstances might the Association admit a suitably
designated additional Adhering Body to take the place of the original Sitter. A Sitter may
appoint as proxy only an adult member of his or her household weighing as much as but no
more than the Sitter at weigh-in.
2.3 The Rump in question will be owned and controlled by the Sitter, who takes full
responsibility for the salubrious or injurious effects that result from the Sitting.
3.1 Any rights of copyright hereunder shall not be exclusive and can be virally
transmitted in video, photo and textual form to any number of print or electronic media
outlets or private owned lists that the Association may ordain suitable, thereby marketing
the product to the fullest. Any nonmonetary gains shall accrue directly to the memories of
the Adhering Bodies.
Ball Out
sudden burst of chutzpah, bravura or sisu in the waning moments of any endeavor
Bareback Riding
raw man on man action for pigs, bears, cubs and twinks.
Bareback Rigging
staging the aforementioned on camera.
Barrier
a fence of sensors and spotlights along the Mexican border.
an exploit once known as mooning.
Barrel Racing
dissembling the staves back into oak and the hoops back into ore.
Body Roll
sagging so low you could see our boxers, yo!
Boot the Bull
giving up the thorny path of prevarication to let the light of Jesus shine into your life.
Break Away Calf Roping
application of a synergistic blend of lanolin, beeswax and colloidal silver in ointment
form to relieve the pain, itching and inflammation.
Break Away Roping
Tarzan-like escape from a rehab clinic with vines or cables.
Buford or Pup
born blind and deaf in a litter among the thugs.
Bull Riding
variable speed buck and spin control in custom hides. Also known as taming “the bucking
machine.” See: John Travolta and Debra Winger.
Calf Roping (on Foot)
thickened areas of dead skin painful to put pressure on.
Cantle Boarding
a synergy of paraffin fakie frontsides and aromatherapy nose grabs, harnessing the wick to
the extreme!
Catch as Catch Can
some combination of grappling, hair tearing, fish-hooking, groin clawing, sternum
elbowing, eye gouging, lip tearing, kidney thumping, ear biting, nerve numbing, stomping and pummeling that prepares one for
reconstructive surgery or the mixed martial arts.
Chute Dogging
one of the basic tenets of Freeganism, or “limited participation in the conventional
economy and minimal consumption of resources.” Also known as binning, alley surfing,
curbing, shopping at the D-mart, garbage gleaning, dump-weaseling, tatting, skally-wagging
or trashing.
Community Loop
Yves confessed to Man who chided Max who was fucking Joan who hadn’t told André he wasn’t
straight but had implied as much to René while berating Luis for not inviting Marcel as
they all drove to Yves’ house for a dinner party.
Cover
a fake moustache or heavy metal ballad performed with harmonica and Moog synthesizers.
Cross Fire
early film noir.
Cutting
four times as many females than males have used sharp edged objects in self-harm then worn
turtlenecks and long sleeves to hide the evidence.
Cutting Pen
the bathroom mirror.
Dallying Off (Dally)
spending a workday lunch in the park for too long dreaming of being an urbane bon vivant
having an affair with a minimum wage honey to take the mind off its troubles.
Daylighting
far in the daylight haze among the piles
as of some fed up drone sacked out by lunch
when all is dull, and task and day with wail
pass too slowly to even put off doing work
(after Tennyson’s “The Passing of Arthur”)
Dogfall
a windfall gain that comes with a concomitant burden that makes its value dubious. Like an
unexpected inheritance that is not monetary but in the form of a pit bull kennel, complete
with leather leashes, syringes, pry bars, breeding stand and explicit instructions
prohibiting a sale.
Dogging
banging a stranger in public or talking smack behind someone’s back. Not to be confused
with prairie dogging.
Dragger or Trotter
piece of refuse like masking tape or leaf with sap on it that clings to the shoe.
Fading
(from Phaedrus’ treatment at the hands of Socrates) to dismiss or to mock. As in “I
faded the fool right to his momma’s face.”
Fanning
going on a blitz shopping for clothes with your team’s logo, buying season tickets,
listening to sports talk radio, and meditating on such bits of gospel as “when your
running game is nor working, you’ve got to go to the air.”
Flag Racing
first one to the top of the pole gets the worst abrasions.
an oxymoron like a Cherokee Pioneer or freezer burn. See also: the flagging race and steer
riding.
Fleaster
the most important feast in the Wingless Insect liturgical year, celebrated in observance
of the fact that from the cycle of larva, pupa and imago, new larva is constantly
produced. Secular celebrations involve the capering of a Fleaster Bunny.
Floating
perpetually leaving one or two major requirements undone so graduation day is put off for
as long as possible.
Freight Trained
being interrupted while in the process of saying something particularly witty.
Goat Dressing
1 stick butter
2 cloves of fresh garlic, minced
1 teaspoon lime juice
1 tablespoon Soy Sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
1 tablespoon Celery Salt
1/2 teaspoon each, Rosemary, Basil, Savory and Oregano
1/2 teaspoon Black Pepper
Hat Bender
something so strange that it boggles the mind to contemplate. Like the international
curiosity in Brittney Spears.
Hazer
one responsible for the procurement of goats, duct tape, paddles, pantyhose and tasers.
Headhunter
nickname for a military recruiter.
Hickeyed
not as pumpkin pie-eyed as the bumpkin or bleared with whiskey as the redneck but specked
with the colorful pleasures of the hog farm.
Hot-Shot
(disambiguation) a generic term that describe all types of electric shocking devices.
(disambiguation) solid iron cannonballs heated, then fired from cannon
bacteria that’s invaded the bladder. Can be tested for with a swab.
Hung Up
progression from attraction to idealization, from anxiety to fear of abandonment, from
tunnel vision to stalking.
Lap and Tap
segueing from a Blaze Starr to a Fred Astaire number.
victory celebration of a championship swimmer that involves aquatic sex.
drinking water out of a dog bowl and begging for more.
Lounger
made of perspex acrylic complete with backrest that adjusts from full upright to
horizontal and pull-out tray to hold cocktails. Uses industrial strength magnetism to
offer a genuine floating sensation and no-fixed-means-of-support.
Marking Out (Marked Out)
use of the teeth in kissing to particularly noisy effect. Best done with clash of braces.
Once one’s teeth are sore, one is officially considered to be “marked out.”
Mash Up
to have humorous forms to call on if performance of the animal is inferior, like the ‘feast
of fools’ (festa sultorum) and free ‘Easter
laughter’ (risus pasachalis). This is not a
spectacle seen by the people; they live in it. Contestants who are “no shows” for
carnival festivities or who don’t wear long-sleeve shirts, long pants, western hat, and
boots that minimally cover the ankle and have a heel will be disqualified. Degradation, in
the case of hindered performance in the stall, digs a bodily grave for a new birth.
Whether fools or clowns. Goats or steers.
(mash up of the International Gay Rodeo Association (IGRA) rules and Mikhail Bakhtin’s Rabelais and His World. Translated by Helene
Iswolsky)
Pegging
(disambiguation) defining trait of Bob, or Bend-over boyfriend
(disambiguation) to narrow cuff-size by folding over and rolling.
knocking someone upside the head when least expected.
Pick-up Man
someone with optional metrosexual characteristics such as shaved chest and gelled hair who
has studied in the arts of the seduction community and can employ such subtle
psychological strategies as backhanded compliments and pre-scripted conversations. Works
best in the company of the Wing Man.
Pole Bending
the Cirque du Soleil of the Kama Sutra. Also known as penile puppetry and genital origami.
Can be practiced solo or with a partner.
Poly
multilayered like a wedding cake, born with an extra digit, constructed from one or more
variable and constant, synthetic as neoprene, having as many corners as sides, the
Renaissance ideal, proof that lying causes side-effects, flared as bell-bottoms, prismatic
and multilingual, a blinded Cyclops, hinged in sections, way too much love for just one
person.
Quarter Horse
one half a centaur.
Quit the Cow
marital abandonment.
Rake
(disambiguation) a lascivious aristocrat during the English Restoration (1660-1688) as in
Aphra Behn’s The Rover
(disambiguation) from orgy to Bedlam in under ten seconds
(disambiguation) no flop, no drop, otherwise a percentage for compensation
to run one’s fingers over a patch of skin where once there was hair.
Reata
to have a second Italian meal at the same sitting.
Re-ride
play again for two extra credits.
Rough Stock
bouillon that has sat in the cupboard so long it has fuzzed mold.
Rowel
rut-ro Raggy rand me a rowel! Rats roovy.
Scooter
term of ridicule related to youth or inexperience. As in “hey scooter, can’t keep up
with the motorbikes, huh?”
Spur
representing the ACC, it’s the Big Fundamental.
Spurring Lick
a salt deposit that contains salmonella.
Star Gazer
aficionado of fuzzbox and “wall of sound” guitars overdubbed with downtempo sensations
of gliding and hovering.
Steer Decorating
recommend upholstery and mildew-resistant slipcovers to brighten a sunroom.
Steer Riding
an oxymoron like a Cherokee Pioneer or freezer burn. See also: ride steering and flag
racing.
Stirrups
Gary Glitter, “The Famous Instigator.”
String
infinitely thin oscillating filaments that reconcile gravitational forces with quantum
mechanics.
Suicide Wrap
low density polyethylene film (or a similar material) of not less than 150 micrometers in
thickness
Suitcase Handle
back hair aided by chemical stimulants to grow to graspable extremities
Sun Fisher
even on a chariot drawn by seven mares, Suriya was blinded by Sanjna.
Team Roping
tricking the boss into taking the staff out to lunch to discuss new initiatives.
Tie-down Roping
use of straps, harnesses, hogties and padlocks in edge-play; governed by mutually
consensual safe-words.
Whipped Down
sleeping in a bed of mashed potatoes.
Wild Drag Race
Teri Yaki and her lip-syncing queens use dildos as batons.
the xenophobia that lurks at the center of certain reading practices.
laying mad rubber down before the Christmas Tree flashes.
Working Cow Horse
milking those udders until you don’t hear a drop of moo.
oks, 2009)
First appeared in Tight 5 (2009).
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